The Closing Of The Year

All I can say is I'm so happy this year is over with.  It's been such a roller coaster ride.  There were ups, but the downs far overshadowed anything good that happened.  

This is one of those times that I envy people who make writing look easy.  I don't possess the ability to express myself the way I'd like to.  This blog was started, for the most part, to teach myself how to express myself in the written word, and years later, I still struggle.  That's why this post is really nothing more than a list of memories from 2011.  I wish I had the confidence in myself to write a sprawling year end recap, but I'm sure the end result would be embarrassing.  Anyway...

As mentioned in almost every post over the last three months, losing my Mom in September was a huge blow to not only me, but my entire family.  Mom was the glue that held the family together.  Dad has always been the more removed parent, leaving Mom to be chief caretaker, head of the household and more nurturing parent.  I've had such a hard time with losing her, not only for the fact that she's gone, but also where that leaves the rest of my family.  I've spent so much time worrying about the fallout from her death in relation to my Dad and sister that I haven't really had a chance to mourn her loss.  And it seems that just when things are starting to settle down, my sister comes to me with another issue.  She's been put in a tough spot of taking over for Mom.  My sister is 37 and still lives at home.  For the first time in my life, I'm glad about this.  I'm glad she and Dad have each other to rely on, because they need each other.  But my sister looks to me to fix everything that's happening and since I'm not there, I can only offer up advice on what to do.  And her resistance to some of my advice really angers me.  I wonder sometimes why she asks me if she refuses to listen to me?  So I find that instead of feeling grief over my Mom, I'm feeling a lot of anger towards my sister.  Earlier I was feeling it towards my brother.  I know I shouldn't have, but he, too, wasn't listening to anything I was saying.  He's up in the tundra of Canada with no easy way down here and feeling isolated and all he wanted to do was help, but he was so off the mark in his attempts that it just resulted in me getting angry at him.  I want the anger to go away.  I know I'm kind of stuck where I am until that happens.

And I find the anger having huge effects on the rest of my life.  My tolerance for people is at an all time low.  I've withdrawn myself from a lot of my social circles.  I try to tune out people I work with.  If I can get away without having to talk to a single person in a day, I feel like I've succeeded.  Where I find myself withdrawing into is music.  I have leaned harder on my music collection than I ever have in my life.  My secret hiding place has been inside my iPod.  I feel safe there.  I feel protected from outside influences.  And I find that the songs I listen to are expressing my inner most feelings.  

Ken has been absolutely amazing during the last few months.  We have polar opposite opinions on how to care for each other.  When I'm sick or I'm hurting, all I want to do is be left alone.  And since that's how I feel, I assume that's how others do, too, so I try to give Ken space in the same situation.  He, on the other hand, comes from the school of smothering.  If I'm sick, he wants to be all up in my face.  And me, I want to murder him. :-)  He's admitted to me how difficult it's been for him to let me have my space, but he's given it to me.  I'm so grateful for it, too.  And he knows it.

I don't mean to make this all about Mom and the aftermath, but it's been such a huge part of the year for me.  There has been some good.  For example, I got to spend more than a few hours at the New York Comic Con this year.  Last fall, I got to spend most of Friday, which was barely enough time to see the show.  Especially when you consider I got to meet up with some friends, which cut into my geeking out time.  This year I got two full days there (and it still wasn't enough), got to see more friends, got to buy all sorts of shit I don't need but really wanted.  And it was a great weekend to just forget about my life, which I needed.

I also got to spend another week in Texas in August.  This year was unplanned, but so was last year's trip.  Ken and I realized we had frequent flyer points that were going to expire if not used, so I got to take a trip to see some of the best friends any one person deserves.  This year's trip was quite different as my host was working full time and not at my beck and call 24/7, but I still had an amazing time.

My weight has been something that's been on my mind almost every day this year.  But that's nothing new.  This is the year that I thought I finally got things to exactly where I wanted them.  For a good chunk of the year, I was consistently weighing in in the 180s.  This is a huge accomplishment.  Remember four years (or is it five?) ago when I was 300 lbs?  After my Texas trip and then when Mom got sick a couple of weeks later, I lost my grip on the 180s and rebounded back to the 190s.  And I've been there ever since.  I know it's just a few pounds more than I was earlier this year (and exactly where I was prior to that), but after knowing I could be 180-something and now being unable to get back there has been really frustrating.  Part of the problem is I've rediscovered some of my poor eating habits.  My candy intake has risen and no matter how many hours I put in at the gym, I'm having trouble counteracting the chocolate.  I wish I didn't tie up so much of my self-esteem in the number on the scale.  I was 195 lbs this morning.  My goal weight for myself is 190 with a +/- 5 lbs margin.  I'm in that margin, yet I beat myself up because I'm at the high end of it.  I'm a mess, but at least I'm a self-aware mess!  LOL!

This year was the year I took physical fitness to a new level.  The entire time I was losing weight, my exercise program was to go out and walk.  I walked wherever I could.  When winter hit, I'd take my walking indoors by going to the mall and do laps there.  But when we moved to our current home, the mall was no longer five minutes away and I wasn't really wanting to drive a half hour to walk, so I made myself get over my gym phobia pretty quickly.  I joined the gym in October of 2010 and started exercising there.  And because I'm neurotic about tracking things, beginning in January, I started tracking all of my workouts.  I set myself a goal of 1,200 miles to travel by treadmill, elliptical, walking and biking and quickly blew that out of the water.  I'd post my totals here and now, but there's still one day left in the year and even though I'm undecided if I'm going to the gym tomorrow, my tunnel vision drive is going to make me go to push that year end total as high as possible.  So I'll post stats later.

I've got so many amazing friends.  This year really proved this to me.  I mean, I'm fully aware that my friends are awesome, but they proved just how awesome they were.  Equally as awesome, just in a different way, are the ones that threw me to the curb this year.  I'm still scratching my head over a couple of them, but at the same time, there were two in particular that I'm overjoyed that they did this.  It's something I should have done earlier myself, but I think I can be too forgiving.  The only hypocritical, self-involved, unaware ego maniac I want to know is myself, thank you very much.

I'm very much looking forward to 2012.  I'm trying to think only positive thoughts for the new year.  I've got my first double date (which could be a triple date) lined up for next weekend with my favorite lesbians.  I've got Aimee Mann tickets for later in January.  I've got a vacation booked for Orlando in March.  I've got my wedding date rescheduled for June.  I plan on spending even more time at the New York Comic Con in October.  I'm just looking forward to putting 2011 to bed and having fun with 2012.

And my New Year's Resolution...?


Yes Please

I hate that he shaved his chest, but otherwise, I find him so fucking tasty.  That is all.


Note to self - Stop eating until you're uncomfortably full.  I don't care that it was something that was somewhat healthy.  Too much is too much.  Thank you.


Be Careful What You Wish For

For years I've wished that I could have Christmas my way.  And my way would be a quiet day at home.  This year I got my wish.  The best way to describe today would be "a quiet day at home."  Ken played World Of Warcraft while I continued to set up my computer and get things in order.  It was very restful.  However, I hated it.  Christmas Day has always been about family.  Mom would decorate up her house and cook enough for an army to eat.  Last year we changed things up a bit and hosted Christmas at my house.  And I loved it.  And more importantly, Mom loved it.  She didn't have to lift a finger to do anything.

My Dad and sister opted out of recognizing Christmas this year.  I can't say I blame them.  It's been almost three months now since Mom passed.  It was just too soon for them to think about it.  I, on the other hand, have been trying to immerse myself into Christmas.  I think I wanted to convince myself that I was going to love Christmas this year.  Beginning December 1, I've played nothing but Christmas music.  I've got just over 4,000 Christmas songs in my library and my goal was to try to play them all before Christmas is over.  I didn't hit my goal, but I did damn well.  I have just over 1,300 songs left I didn't get to.  Not too bad.

With today coming to an end, it's the second of the four big days I've been dreading.  Thanksgiving and Christmas are now done, Mom's birthday and the anniversary of her passing are on the plate for 2012.  

Tomorrow I'm starting fresh.  I've got the holidays behind me now and I'm going out there and I'm going to look for something good to grab onto.  I'm so tired of moping and frowning.  However, I need to go grocery shopping and the thought of getting out into public with the unwashed day-after-Christmas masses is sooo not appealing.

Christmas at The Davenport's



This has to be one of the cruelest weeks of the entire year.  Hands down.  Cruel in what way?  Well, it's the week before Christmas and that means every single person in my office (and offices everywhere) is baking up a storm and bringing it all in to work.  And people with little will power can't help but eat all this garbage.  It's no secret I've struggled with my weight my entire life.  For the first time ever in my life I'm at a healthy body weight and I'm so desperate to keep it that way, but my lack of will power is my own worst enemy.  I tried to keep it together today, but failed when it came to cinnamon bread, cookies and chocolate.  Tomorrow all the bosses are treating us to pizza and wings and I'm so afraid of going overboard.  Especially since Ken's mother is coming over tomorrow night and we'll be going out to eat.  

As much as I love this week in regards to food, I can't wait for it to be a distant memory.  
Doctor Who Timeline Infographic
Via: CableTV.com



Today was my first day back to work after being on vacation for the last week and a half or so. We were originally going to take a cruise last week, but the final payment for it was due right at the time my Mom went into the hospital. After a quick discussion, Ken and I decided we should cancel it, not knowing what the situation with Mom would be come December. Little did we know she passed away fairly quickly. A few weeks back, Ken started researching cruises again and made the executive decision that we were going and we needed to go. I'm glad he booked it. I needed to shut myself off from the world more than I ever thought I needed to. Ken was amazing in giving me the space and breathing room I needed on this vacation. We'd spend the early morning together, get breakfast and then part ways until either lunch or late afternoon. He found plenty to keep himself busy, either going to the casino or watching movies or just poking around the ship. I would grab a stack of comics, head up to the top deck and sun myself while reading and listening to Christmas music. There's something totally fucked up about laying out and listening to "White Christmas" and "Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!" I'd do that for a while, then drop my stuff off in the room and head to the gym. Usually by the time I was done, I'd meet back up with Ken and we'd spend the rest of the day together.

I did something on this cruise that I find very, very hard for me to do. I lived in the moment. Typically on vacation, I'm always thinking about the end of it. For example, on Monday, I'm starting to panic because we only have five days left before we go home. But not this time. I shut my brain off to all the reality of my life and just enjoyed myself. It took me a solid day to be able to allow myself to relax, but by the time I did, I was in heaven. Laying in bed the last night was difficult because reality started seeping back in and I had a little breakdown.

Now I'm home, I started back to work today and I'm staring in the face of what I anticipate to be one of the hardest weeks in recent memory. Christmas without Mom is something I've been dreading. Christmas was very important to her and she always made a big deal out of it. My Dad and sister have decided not to celebrate this year and that's still hard for me to wrap my brain around. They may not be celebrating, but Ken and I decided to ignore them. We're going down to Dad's on Christmas Eve, bringing presents and picking up roast beef subs for lunch (long story, and too dull to go into here.)

Christmas Day should be a quiet affair here at home. I've already received my present (new computer) and I still need to wrap Ken's gifts. He'll be angry with what I got him, but he'll just have to get over it.

Most of this past weekend I spent setting up my new computer. I always love getting a new one. All the old crap that has accumulated on my old computer is now gone and I'm starting fresh. I spent quite a bit of time organizing bookmarks and stuff like that. I spent two solid days trying to set up my iTunes library. I wasn't thinking when I started and ended up importing my library twice and then deleting a good chunk of it before restoring it via my backup. I set up lots of new playlists and crap like that. I love that I didn't transfer over my email from the old computer. I'm starting fresh. If I didn't answer something before I switched computers, I've decided I'm officially off the hook.

I'm about to head to bed even though it's not even nine o'clock yet. I'm exhausted. We got home Thursday from the cruise and I've stayed up way too late every night since and have gotten up (via four pawed furry alarm clock) way too early every morning. This morning the real alarm clock got me up a mere five hours after falling asleep last night. I'm ready to drop.

Good night.



I'm going to make a blunt statement.  I do not like the person I currently am.  At all.  In fact, I really haven't liked me for the last couple of months.  

I know I promised myself I wasn't going to turn this blog into the "My Mom Died" blog, but so much of my life right now is wrapped up in the aftermath of her passing that I can't not keep bringing it up.  I have so much going on in my life in regards to it and so much to still work out that it's hard to function some days.  I never in a million years thought that losing my Mom would be quite like this.  I knew it would be hard, but absolutely nothing like it's been.  I'm not going to go into the specifics of what all the issues are, but it's all contributing to the kind of person I've been since Mom died.  

I have no patience for anyone.  In fact, I snapped big time at Ken the other night over pudding.  Pudding!  Who does that?  Apparently the current version of me does.  I find little joy in the hobbies I love.  I'm still reading comics, but I find I have no passion for them right now.  I'm still dvr-ing all my tv shows, but I'm watching very few of them.  Video games have been a chore to play lately.  My online socializing habits are nearly non-existent.    I don't really want to leave the house.  Now I know I'm pretty much a homebody to start with, but that version of me is way more likely to go out and have fun than the current version.  My bitterness quotient is through the roof.

I'm guessing not a lot of this shows on the surface, though.  People at work seem to think I'm a little off, but mostly the same old me.  And that's one thing I've always been good at, I guess.  Putting up a shield.  I try putting it up with Ken, too, but he knows me too well and sees right through it.  And he worries, which in turn adds to my stress.  He doesn't know how not to worry, so I can't fault him for that.  But sometimes I just wish he'd take me at my word that I'm okay and I'm working though my issues.  I know it's killing him giving me my space.  We're so opposite when it comes to things like this.  I need my space.  Lots and lots of it.  It's the only way I can process.  He is my polar opposite at times like this.  He wants to smother.  How we've made it nearly 18 years is anyone's guess.

I just wish I could take a vacation from myself.  I think it would do me a world of good.  But in the meantime, I'll just have to settle for a vacation with myself.  We've got a little getaway planned for the near future and it's something I desperately need.  I plan on cutting myself off from the entire world to give myself a chance to breathe.  I really hope I remember how to.


Hawkgirl & Flash

I saw these posted on another blog and just fell in love with them.  Had to share them here.


Every weekend my plan is generally the same.  I plan to do nothing but the essential things that need doing and spend the rest of the time relaxing.  For some reason, I have lost the ability to do nothing.  I find things to do that take me away from relaxing and then I regret it the rest of the weekend.  

This weekend was different.  Sure, I still managed to find a distraction, but it was one I needed.  On my way to the supermarket yesterday afternoon, I got the urge to go find the street I grew up on.  I've been feeling very nostalgic again, probably because Mom is still heavy in my thoughts.  The place I consider the house I grew up in is one I lived in from the time I was about 2 until 10.  After that, my family moved around a lot before settling down in my mid teens.  Driving up the old street was pretty sad.  The first house on the street belonged to the Kelly family.  There was a SOLD sign out front.  Mr. Kelly passed away shortly before my Mom did.  His wife passed away a few years ago and their son lives in western NY now.  The house next door belonged to the Talberts.  I recently reconnected with Nancy Talbert, who is about my brother's age.  It was then that I found out that her brother Tommy, who was my age, passed away a couple of years ago.  Next to their house was my old house.  It's weird, but the house looks so small now.  It was huge when I was growing up, but now it isn't.  None of the houses on my old street are.  It's funny how the eyes of a child and the eyes of an adult view things so differently.  

I enjoyed the drive through my old town.  It's been years since I've done it, but hopefully won't be before I do it again.  



So, if you've been following this blog for a while (God help you if you have), you know I set a goal back in January to go 1,200 miles over the course of 2011.  Methods to get my 1,200 include walking, treadmill, elliptical and stationary bike.  I was hesitant to set such a lofty goal for myself.  I wasn't even sure I was going to be able to do 1,000, let alone 1,200.  Well, I continue to amaze myself.  After tonight's workout, I am a skootch above 100 miles from hitting 3,000 miles.  Three THOUSAND miles.  The thought just boggles my mind.  Naturally, because this is me, I'm almost to this awesome goal and my knee is giving me problems.  I'm not sure what's going on with it, but the last week it's been hurting.  And not really pain hurting, but it feels odd hurting, if that makes any sense.  I really need to make an appointment and get it checked out.  I've got to get my foot checked out anyway, so what's another body part?

I've got 32 days left to do 100.32 miles.  That averages to just over 3 miles a day.  I think I can manage that.



Scream, as in "I'm going to..." My computer is getting so clunky and so slow and it's making me want to rip what little hair I have left out of my head. I think knowing that my Christmas present is on it's way isn't helping matters. That Christmas present is a brand spanking new computer. This one I've had for a number of years and it's done right by me, but it's getting so damn slow and I can't take it much longer.

I'm syncing my iPod as I write this and that's probably not a good thing as multitasking is something good ol' Sebastian is not that fond of anymore.


Blah Humbug!

Just another mish mash post of things on my mind.

Thanksgiving came and went and was much easier on me than I thought it would be.  It's the first major holiday without Mom, so it was definitely weird.  I had my Dad and sister up for the day.  I cooked us up the full spread.   I knew Mom would have loved it.  I know she absolutely loved coming up to my house for the holidays because she didn't have to cook and clean.  And I never gave her food poisoning. 

The day itself was good, but after Dad and Tina left and I went down to my office while Ken napped, I found that I was getting really, really sad and depressed.  I thought about it quite a bit and realized that I'm still trying to be strong for everyone and only when I'm alone am I allowing myself to feel it.  It's no longer a conscious effort, either, because I really wasn't trying to put on a brave face, I just did.  

Ken was gung ho to put up the Christmas decorations this weekend, but I just wasn't feeling it.  At all.  It's not that I'm hating the holidays, but I'm just feeling very blah about them.  Something in my head clicked tonight, though, and I dug out all the Christmas stuff and put up both the trees.  And I actually had a good time doing it.  So much so that I wanted to run out and buy some new ornaments.  The ones we use on the "upstairs" tree are old and I'm kind of getting bored with them.  I'm quite perplexed as to how I did a 180 on Christmas, but I'm very happy I did.  Maybe tomorrow night after work I'll run out and look at stuff.

I was very proud of myself this long weekend when it came to eating.  I kept things under control (for the most part), while maintaining a gym routine.  The scale would raise an eyebrow at me, but it didn't swear or belittle me once.  And then there was today.  I don't feel like I ate a lot, but I did have a few drinkie drinks and I'm feeling like I ate three whole Thanksgiving dinners right now.  I had the leftover pizza I brought home from the restaurant for lunch and some leftover turkey and a sweet potato for dinner.  But I feel enormous right now.  I have a feeling tomorrow is the day the scale loses it's shit with me. 

I need to get my attitude back in check for work tomorrow.  I've been letting everything little thing get to me and it's made my days pretty horrible.  I've had almost an entire week off and I hope that's enough.

The worst part of having five days off in a row from work is about this time of night on Sunday.  It's where I start thinking about all the things I planned on doing while I was off and how little of what I wanted to do got done.  

I think I'm going to see Aimee Mann when she hits the area again.  She's coming near the end of January.  I'm looking forward to it.  She puts on a great show and it's been maybe three or four years since I've seen her.

Time to go check and see if Amazing Race has started yet.  Football ran over... AGAIN!  If not, I need to shave this nasty scruff I've got all over my face.


Toy Whore

If you know one thing about me, you know I'm a die hard comic book fan.  I picked up my first comic book when I was ten years old and I haven't looked back since.  As I've grown older, my fascination with the funny books has grown to include all things comics related.  I love buttons and t-shirts and posters and drinking glasses and toys.  Man, do I love toys.  When I was young, I had super-hero toys that I played with and like almost every other toy I owned, I destroyed.  I wish I could go back in time and snatch some of those toys from my younger self before that happened.  Specifically, I'd love to go back and steal all the Mego toys I had.  But I can't so I won't dwell on that thought for fear that I'll start crying.

I've blogged recently about how I've been having a hard time dealing with life lately.  Yesterday was another particularly bad day.  I don't know why I let things get to me like I do, but I do.  I try to fight it, but I almost always seem to lose.  Yesterday was a great big loss.  But I knew I was taking today off of work for some much needed r&r.  As the day went on and as my mood got worse, all I could think about was how I was going to go blow off steam by doing a good ol' toy hunt.  And by that, what I mean is I pick a store a decent distance away from here as my starting point and then I hit every store that carries action figures from there all the way home.  My plan was to do that this morning, then hit the gym, then start my Thanksgiving chores.  But I didn't work late last night, got to the gym relatively early and realized I had a lot of time last night to do that.  So I did, which left today wide open.  My starting point was the furthest away of the two local Toys R Us stores.  That store I have better luck at then I do the one much closer to me.  The store was mostly a bust except I noticed that all the Green Lantern toys are now on clearance.  There was one that I've been wanting, but it was just too expensive for me to justify it.  But it's now marked down to $19.99 and I couldn't resist.  It's this, the Green Lantern/Sinestro two pack.  I really dig it and now I own it.

But otherwise, Toys R Us was a big fat bust.  The line I'm most interested in right now is Mattel's DC Universe Classics.  They had none of the recent waves of the figures, which bummed me out.  I'm trying to complete my Apache Chief build a figure and I'm only half way there.  I jumped on the DCU Classics line a little too late.  I used to see them in Target all the time and as neat as they were, I thought that DC Direct did a much better job at making action figures.  But DC Direct's output has slowed way down and the Classics line has been getting more and more appealing to me.  I've been picking up the toys when I can find them, but it's getting harder and harder to find them.  My local Toys R Us hasn't gotten in anything new in over a year.  The further Toys R Us is about 2 or 3 waves behind.  I've been having a little luck at one of the Target stores and one Wal-Mart, a store I'd prefer not to go into.  But both locations I'm having luck at are not the closest stores to me.  I've noticed that Target is still carrying the line while Wal-Mart only has it at a few selected locations.  I could always buy the figures online, but there's something to be said about being able to find the toys in a physical store and to not have to wait for them to arrive.  (But on the flip side of that coin, I LOVE getting packages in the mail.)

I did a decent job of finding some toys I really wanted at this year's New York Comic Con.  As much as I love toy shopping, I love bargain shopping even more.  I found a bunch of things for dirt cheap and that makes me very, very happy.  I was better prepared for my shopping this year than I was last year.  I have want lists conveniently located in my telephone now for easy reference.  I'm itching to go back already, but the show is nearly a year away.

I'm very lucky that I have an entire (huge) office to devote to my collection of toys and comics.  I'm really bad at guessing the size of this room, but I would say it's probably 15X30 feet and it's chock full of my junk.  And I'm running out of room!  In our old house, my office was a 14x14 room that was crammed high with all my stuff.  Now it's all spread out, I've expanded beyond control and now I'm wishing I had another 15 or 20 square feet to display it all.

I'm an odd collector, I think.  Some of the packages I won't open, while others barely make it home before they're ripped to shreds.  There's no clear logic behind it.  I mean, there is a partial logic.  Some of the lines looks so good in their packages that I don't want to open them.  But I also have some things still in the package for no good reason.  But I'm not keeping things packaged because it will keep more of the value to it.  I don't collect like that.  I collect things that I like and things that make me happy.  I plan on keeping this shit until I die and then once I'm dead, it won't matter if they're worth a thing or not.

I took some pictures of my toys today since I was thinking about blogging about them.  The post didn't come out at all how I thought it would, but that's the beauty of just sitting here, turning your brain off and letting your fingers just go.  I hope I've made sense, but again, I don't really care. :-)

This is a shot of my Justice Society figures

And here is the Justice League

We've got Red Lanterns and Orange Lanterns and Yellow Lanterns and Green Lanterns.....

Two of my favorite action figures, Hawkgirl & Hawkman.  Both are dressed in their Earth-1 costumes

Green Lanterns

Power Girls

Wonder Women

Welcome To Smallville.  This sign is reversible and the other side welcomes you to Midvale

Although I predominantly collect toys based on DC Comics characters, I do have characters from elsewhere.  This is Kevin Matchstick from the comic MAGE

Curt Swan inspired Superman figures

That pesky Velma.  I love her.

My Mom collected cookie jars.  She had them up the wazoo.  After she passed away, my Dad let me take this one.  Not only is it beautiful, but I think of my Mom every time I look at it.

The Phantom Stranger is lurking from the rafters above my desk.

I've got Super-Villains watching from above.

Justice League Unlimited toys

I don't have a proper home for these, so they're just sitting on a table for now.  And I need to find more of these Mego inspired Doctor Who figures.  I love them.

An example of figures kept in the box.  Alex Ross Kingdom Come toys just look better that way.

I love these.

This bookcase has a lot of miscellaneous toys.

My shrine to Supergirl and Batgirl

Blackest Night figures.  I'm still missing a few.

I keep this bookcase full of the DC Universe Classics.  When I end up with too many, I start opening them to make room.

Teen Titans on the bottom, Legion of Super-Heroes (and Legion of Super-Pets) on top.



I suddenly get what the big deal about these Twilight movies is all about.


I'm having a really hard time with life in general lately.  It's been keeping me from posting here on anything close to a regular basis.  The last thing I want to do when I'm having a not so great time is to come here and rehash it.

I know I've mentioned that I've been having a terrible time readjusting back to life since Mom passed in September.  Since she's been gone, I've taken on a laundry list of things that I'm worried about, concerned with, helping out with and feeling helpless about.  Add on top of that the regular curve balls that life throws your way and I've just been a mess.  And I've noticed that things that usually don't bother me are starting to, and that the things that usually do bother me are bothering me on a much grander scale.  I feel like I'm plummeting down into a bottomless abyss and I can't seem to stop myself no matter how hard I try.

In an attempt to reboot myself, Ken booked a (sort of) last minute vacation.  We were supposed to go on a cruise in December, but the final payment was due right when Mom was sick and not knowing how much time she had left, we cancelled the trip.  Ken decided that even though money is tight, we needed to get away, so he booked a new cruise for that same time period.  I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to this.  I just want to lay out in the sun, read comics and get my mind off of EVERYTHING in my life right now.  I really hope this is the kick in the pants I need to turn things around.  Because I miss my pre-September 2011 life.  I miss my friends.  I miss playing online.  I miss laughing.



Tonight I was asked for the very first time to participate in a wedding.  Well, not entire true, but close enough.  Last week I was asked if I'd be willing to make a speech at the reception and I freaked and said "no."  I hate speaking in front of people in the worst kind of way.  Instead, Ken is going to make that speech.  Tonight I was asked instead to read a poem.  I agreed.  I'm still nervous as hell, but the attendance of the wedding is going to be significantly smaller (wedding is Friday, reception is Saturday) and what I have to say is already prepared.  The first half of the poem is going to be read by one of the bride's sister-in-law.  I read the second part, which is as follows:

Marriage deepens and enriches every facet of life.
Happiness is fuller, memories are fresher,
commitment is stronger, even anger is felt more strongly,
and passes away more quickly.
Marriage understands and forgives the mistakes life
is unable to avoid. It encourages and nurtures new life,
new experiences, new ways of expressing
a love that is deeper than life.
When two people pledge their love and care for each other in marriage,
they create a spirit unique unto themselves which binds them closer
than any spoken or written words.
Marriage is a promise made in the hearts of two people
who love each other, and takes a lifetime to fulfill.

I hope I don't stutter too much or stumble over my words, as I tend to do when I get nervous.


The Curley Luck

My Dad always said that if it wasn't for bad luck, we'd have no luck at all.  Lately, I would have to agree with him.  It seems I'm in the middle of a particularly bad bad luck streak.  Nothing seems to be going quite the way I've planned things.  Things seemed to have taken a bad turn in September.  Let's recap:

  • Mom went into the hospital on September 2 with back pain only to find she had terminal cancer with just weeks left to live.
  • Ken and I were all set to get married on October 1.  Unfortunately, that's the week Mom passed away and instead held her funeral that weekend.
  • I took a weekend trip to New York to attend the New York Comic Con.  The morning I left for New York, I woke up with a very sore throat.  By the end of that day, I had completely lost my voice.
  • Ken and I made plans to spend the Labor Day weekend with our friends Eric & Brett in New York.  The trip had to be cancelled because that's the weekend Mom ended up in the hospital.
  • We had another trip planned, this time to Connecticut for Ken's cousin's wedding.  Again, this had to be cancelled due to Mom's failing health.
  • We got in the car to go down to Dad's house two weeks ago.  As soon as we hit the highway, the car started doing all sorts of horrible things.  We turned around, got it to the garage only to find out we were minutes from a total breakdown.  I don't even want to discuss how much money the repairs cost.
  • The mortgage refinance we just went through was FROM HELL!  Nuff said.
  • This weekend we drove to New Jersey for our friend Gregg's birthday party.  Naturally, a freak autumn Nor'easter hits and we drive three hours in the snow to arrive at another friend's house.  When we arrived, the tree in his front yard had just fallen into the driveway, taking down some power lines.  About an hour after we got there, the electricity failed.  The roads were too bad for us to venture to the party, instead living like the Ingalls family for the night with no heat or power.

I could go on, but I won't.  I'm sick of the shitty luck.  I'm ready for things to turn around and for something good to happen.  I don't think that's asking too much.



Apparently, I'm a very bad person. At least, that's what I gathered today from a bitch fight I found myself in on Facebook. Ken and I refinanced our mortgage and had our closing yesterday. The entire process didn't go nearly as smoothly as we were promised and we ended up with nothing but trouble every single step of the way. I tried to hold back my feelings during all of this, but even this morning, I was still raging at the treatment we received from the lender. So I posted a bitter comment about it on my Facebook page. Someone who I wasn't directing my anger at jumped in and started demanding I take down my status update, that this was slander, how dare I attack him/her, etc etc etc. Trying to explain my feelings in simple basic English only seemed to make matters worse. I find it very amusing that this one employee whom I didn't have an issue with was making my point crystal clear about the lack of customer service this lender has. It was pointed out by a few, both in the thread and by personal message, that this behavior couldn't have been more unprofessional. So, yes, I admit that directing my anger at one person towards an entire company was misplaced (one bad apple don't spoil the whole bunch girl!), it was nice to see someone whom my anger was not (initially) pointed at jump in and assume I meant him/her.  

There was a reason I've pulled back from internetting lately.  Perhaps this was a sign that I need to do that again.


Belated NYCC Pictures

I promised pictures from the New York Comic Con, but I didn't get a chance to post them the night after my last post, as planned.  So without further ado...

 Hawkman.  This Hawkman, however, could stand to have a cheeseburger or two.

 Me & Oscar the Grouch

 Blair from Road Rules.  He's dreamy.

 I have to admit, I stole this picture from another website.  My friend Todd spotted him at one point and told me about it, but I never actually saw this Luke Cage at the con.  He looks fantastic.

 Some of the toys I bought at the show.  I was on the prowl for bargains and I found 'em.

 Another bargain.

 While technically not something from the convention, my friend George gave this to me while I was in NYC.  It was supposed to be my wedding present, but since the wedding was postponed, he wanted to give it to me now.  It's an original Fred Hembeck re-creation of the New Teen Titans #1 cover.  I'm in love with it.

 More bargains to be had.

 Not bargains, but toys I didn't even knew existed.  And I love them.  Doctor Who figures in the Mego scale!!

 My new Super Friends shirt.

 New drinking glasses.

 My new Red Lantern hoodie. 

 I got to meet up with my old friend Chris (see previous post).  I miss him.  

 Wonder Woman!

 The crowd as it was starting to wind down on Saturday.

 More winding down of the crowd, with an overview of the DC Booth.

 More winding down.

 And a little more winding down.

 This Legion set went on sale last Monday and sold out instantly.  I want!

 Aquaman & Mera.

 Nightwing and Supergirl.

 Spider-Man's worst nightmare.

 Jean Grey.


 This guy's Plastic Man costume was PERFECTION!


 Jack Knight

 Black Canary and Green Arrow

 Poison Ivy vs. Batgirl

 Batgirl & The Riddler

 The Sensational She-Hulk 

 The Black Orchid costume was probably my favorite costume from the con.  Hands down. 

 Mr. T

 More of me & Radtke

 I didn't notice until later, but this asswipe walked right into my picture of Dazzler.  She was fucking fantastic!

 The Watchmen

 The Huntress 

 George in the Batmobile


 Plastic Man again.

 Power Girl

 A Yellow & a Red Lantern

 Bad news for Batman

 Killer Moth

The X-Men and a Yellow Lantern?

I didn't go to the con with the intention of taking all these pictures, but I'm sure glad I did.  I should have taken more while I was there.  There were so many great costumes.  People really embraced the spirit of the convention and it made the show such a great experience.  Next year, I'm planning on taking twice the pictures.