I'm going to make a blunt statement. I do not like the person I currently am. At all. In fact, I really haven't liked me for the last couple of months.
I know I promised myself I wasn't going to turn this blog into the "My Mom Died" blog, but so much of my life right now is wrapped up in the aftermath of her passing that I can't not keep bringing it up. I have so much going on in my life in regards to it and so much to still work out that it's hard to function some days. I never in a million years thought that losing my Mom would be quite like this. I knew it would be hard, but absolutely nothing like it's been. I'm not going to go into the specifics of what all the issues are, but it's all contributing to the kind of person I've been since Mom died.
I have no patience for anyone. In fact, I snapped big time at Ken the other night over pudding. Pudding! Who does that? Apparently the current version of me does. I find little joy in the hobbies I love. I'm still reading comics, but I find I have no passion for them right now. I'm still dvr-ing all my tv shows, but I'm watching very few of them. Video games have been a chore to play lately. My online socializing habits are nearly non-existent. I don't really want to leave the house. Now I know I'm pretty much a homebody to start with, but that version of me is way more likely to go out and have fun than the current version. My bitterness quotient is through the roof.
I'm guessing not a lot of this shows on the surface, though. People at work seem to think I'm a little off, but mostly the same old me. And that's one thing I've always been good at, I guess. Putting up a shield. I try putting it up with Ken, too, but he knows me too well and sees right through it. And he worries, which in turn adds to my stress. He doesn't know how not to worry, so I can't fault him for that. But sometimes I just wish he'd take me at my word that I'm okay and I'm working though my issues. I know it's killing him giving me my space. We're so opposite when it comes to things like this. I need my space. Lots and lots of it. It's the only way I can process. He is my polar opposite at times like this. He wants to smother. How we've made it nearly 18 years is anyone's guess.
I just wish I could take a vacation from myself. I think it would do me a world of good. But in the meantime, I'll just have to settle for a vacation with myself. We've got a little getaway planned for the near future and it's something I desperately need. I plan on cutting myself off from the entire world to give myself a chance to breathe. I really hope I remember how to.