Moment

Today was my first day back to work after being on vacation for the last week and a half or so. We were originally going to take a cruise last week, but the final payment for it was due right at the time my Mom went into the hospital. After a quick discussion, Ken and I decided we should cancel it, not knowing what the situation with Mom would be come December. Little did we know she passed away fairly quickly. A few weeks back, Ken started researching cruises again and made the executive decision that we were going and we needed to go. I'm glad he booked it. I needed to shut myself off from the world more than I ever thought I needed to. Ken was amazing in giving me the space and breathing room I needed on this vacation. We'd spend the early morning together, get breakfast and then part ways until either lunch or late afternoon. He found plenty to keep himself busy, either going to the casino or watching movies or just poking around the ship. I would grab a stack of comics, head up to the top deck and sun myself while reading and listening to Christmas music. There's something totally fucked up about laying out and listening to "White Christmas" and "Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!" I'd do that for a while, then drop my stuff off in the room and head to the gym. Usually by the time I was done, I'd meet back up with Ken and we'd spend the rest of the day together.

I did something on this cruise that I find very, very hard for me to do. I lived in the moment. Typically on vacation, I'm always thinking about the end of it. For example, on Monday, I'm starting to panic because we only have five days left before we go home. But not this time. I shut my brain off to all the reality of my life and just enjoyed myself. It took me a solid day to be able to allow myself to relax, but by the time I did, I was in heaven. Laying in bed the last night was difficult because reality started seeping back in and I had a little breakdown.

Now I'm home, I started back to work today and I'm staring in the face of what I anticipate to be one of the hardest weeks in recent memory. Christmas without Mom is something I've been dreading. Christmas was very important to her and she always made a big deal out of it. My Dad and sister have decided not to celebrate this year and that's still hard for me to wrap my brain around. They may not be celebrating, but Ken and I decided to ignore them. We're going down to Dad's on Christmas Eve, bringing presents and picking up roast beef subs for lunch (long story, and too dull to go into here.)

Christmas Day should be a quiet affair here at home. I've already received my present (new computer) and I still need to wrap Ken's gifts. He'll be angry with what I got him, but he'll just have to get over it.

Most of this past weekend I spent setting up my new computer. I always love getting a new one. All the old crap that has accumulated on my old computer is now gone and I'm starting fresh. I spent quite a bit of time organizing bookmarks and stuff like that. I spent two solid days trying to set up my iTunes library. I wasn't thinking when I started and ended up importing my library twice and then deleting a good chunk of it before restoring it via my backup. I set up lots of new playlists and crap like that. I love that I didn't transfer over my email from the old computer. I'm starting fresh. If I didn't answer something before I switched computers, I've decided I'm officially off the hook.

I'm about to head to bed even though it's not even nine o'clock yet. I'm exhausted. We got home Thursday from the cruise and I've stayed up way too late every night since and have gotten up (via four pawed furry alarm clock) way too early every morning. This morning the real alarm clock got me up a mere five hours after falling asleep last night. I'm ready to drop.

Good night.