9.03.2013

This Is Me 2013

I've been trying to put this post together in my head for a while now.  I just needed to find the time to actually sit down and figure out what I'm going to write.  I think I just got partially derailed, but we'll see.

  • Well, I'm easily derailed.  I was just finishing up commenting on a friend's blog when Ken called me.  On the phone.  From upstairs.  And then wouldn't get off the phone.  As soon as I managed to get him off the phone, but before I could finish typing up the blog comment, he yelled downstairs to me to reboot the cable box.  Seriously.  I unplugged it and then couldn't find the slot to plug the power cord back in.  And then he decides to yell down "helpful hints."  I'm already not in the mood for human interaction as it is.  Oi!  I know I snapped at him and now I feel both annoyed and shitty.
  • I try to live my life to the best of my ability, but I don't always succeed.  Previous bullet point is a prime example.  I didn't need to snap, but I did.  But I own my actions and don't blame them on others.  I just try to do better the next time.
  • On Sunday, I had my best single weigh in of the last 365 days.  Not my best weigh in ever, but the best one in a long time.  It's sometimes hard to believe I've lost over 110 lbs by myself, without any help from fancy diets or surgery or any of that stuff.  
  • I have no respect for people who say "can't" when the real word is "won't."  Especially when it comes to losing weight.  "I can't lose any weight no matter how hard I try" while stuffing your face full of McDonald's or M&Ms?  Gee, I wonder why.  People are lazy except for when it comes to making excuses.  "I can't get to work on time" is another prime example.  Why?  You're up three hours before you're supposed to be there posting on Facebook.  I'm just sick and tired of lazy.
  • John Grant is my favorite newish singer in a long time.
  • I cried for the first time late last week about my Mom since she died two years ago.  I've been holding a lot of grief inside, unable to find a way to get it out.  I know this is only the tip of the iceberg, and I welcome it.
  • Although I think my self-confidence and self-esteem are at an all-time high, I still sometimes wonder what people see in me.  I have such blinders on to that.  I would love to see what others see in me.  I live in my head 24/7, so I overlook the good things, I think, and obsess on the things about myself that drive me crazy and that I need to work on.  
  • I get angry at my body a lot.  It makes me mad that I waited until I was in my 40s before I finally got off my ass and got healthy.  I spent decades as an obese man working retail.  A 300 lbs man should not spend 10 hours a day on his feet.  I did so much damage to my body during those years, my body won't rebound back from some of it.  My feet and knees are not the happiest parts of me these days.  And when I'm aching, it really frustrates me more.
  • I should never be allowed to look at myself in anything but a full length mirror.  I still have body issues and when I look at myself in the bathroom mirror, I only see the top half of me and I don't like what I see.  When I see myself in a full length mirror, I see my entire body in proportion and suddenly everything looks great.
  • I don't remember the date, but sometime in mid to late August last year was the last time I knowingly ate meat.  I've made it an entire year and some days without eating an animal.  I didn't know if I could do it, but look at me.  And the longer I go, the sicker it makes me when I think of where meat comes from.  We were watching an episode of Two Fat Ladies recently and Jennifer and Clarissa went to a pig farm to get some pork.  And they showed a bunch of happy piggies frolicking in a meadow.  It saddened me to know they were about to be slaughtered.  Now don't get me wrong, I bet those pigs were delicious, but I just can't get past the slaughter part.  No matter how much I miss bacon, I don't know if I can ever go back.
  • Almost everyone I know drinks.  A lot.  Or at least a lot more than me.  This past holiday weekend I had two beers.  That's a lot for me (unless I'm at a party or some special event), but most people I know will do more than that in the course of a normal day.  In my early 20s, that was no big deal, but in my late 40s, I'm not interested.  If I'm going to fill my body with empty calories, give me some chocolate instead.
  • I used to be a heavy duty podcast listener, but I'm down to about two or three that I listen to on a regular basis.  For the most part, I just don't have much interest anymore.  But the shows I like, I don't miss ever.
  • I don't read as many comic books as I used to.  Ever since DC Comics rebooted it's entire line, the number of titles I read keeps getting smaller and smaller.  I understand the reasoning for the reboot.  Their books had become too continuity-laden for them to attract new readers, or so they said.  The idea behind the reboot was to strip things back to basics and go from there.  Unfortunately they've interconnected the books so tightly and given them all such poorly thought out back stories, the books are more heavily continuity-laden than ever before.  Plus, they keep changing their minds about things mid-stream making things even more confusing.  Hawkman's backstory has changed a couple times already.  Martian Manhunter and his role in the Justice League has been contradicted a number of times in the two years since the reboot.  And now the mess with Lobo.  It shouldn't be this messy.
  • Drugged out Judy Garland may be the greatest singer of all time.
  • "Obligation" is my least favorite word in the entire English language.
  • It amuses me to no end when people say things on Facebook or other social media outlets more to convince themselves of something rather than other people.  There are only so many times you can post about how much in love you are or what a wonderful man you've got or how amazing your life is going when in reality I've seen with my own eyes how untrue that is.  Maybe they should rename Facebook "Desperate cry for validation" book.
  • I'm cynical, but I don't care.
  • Next month marks the five year anniversary of the last time I had a soda.
  • There were a bunch of other things I had in my head for this post, but they're gone.  I supposed this is enough for now.  It's my state of mind currently.  

3 comments:

wcs said...

Cool. It's good to get all the stuff out of your head every now and then. I didn't know you went meatless! I'm still a carnivore. And I gave up soda back in the 80s. One of the best things I ever did along with giving up smoking at the same time.

Vương Tử Trực said...

Great!
I might try to start meatless next week.
Thanks for inspiring entry!

Muhammad Ridho said...

what an inspiring post ! i never thought you're meatless :)
please, here's some good references from my blog. i hope it'll be useful :D

http://feafum.blogspot.com/search/label/article