I'm emotional.  I'm not saying it as if it's news, I'm just stating it as a fact.  If you know me, you know that as much as I try to pretend I'm an evil, unfeeling douchebag, I'm actually really sensitive and I let my emotions rule my world.  Sometimes it's amazing to live like that, sometimes it's frustrating as hell.  Right now it's both.  

I'm not sure where to start this.  Because it's really two different parts of my life smashing head on into each other.  I guess the real starting point was the end of August.  One of the best friends I have made a random Facebook posting about maybe getting married.  I was at the gym when I saw it and it just started my mind racing.  RACING.  On the drive home, I couldn't not think about the possibility.  He's a Texas resident and there is no marriage equality there.  But he's coming to New York in October for Comic Con and here in New York, not only do we have marriage equality, but there's also on residency restriction on getting married.  So my mind raced.  "October is so close.  It's only about six weeks (at the time) away.  I was supposed to get married in October originally, but it didn't happen.  It didn't happen because Mom passed away.  And she wasn't sick for very long.  And it was Labor Day weekend when she ended up in the hospital.  And tomorrow marks the two year anniversary of her going in."  By this point, I was crying.  Tears streaming down my face at a red light.  I didn't realize that I was only a day away from the day Mom went into the hospital.  It's the first time I've cried about her since she passed away.  And then I got home and cried some more.  And some more.  Ugly Tammy Faye Bakker crying.

Over the course of the next few days, I could feel the inevitable numbness creeping in.  The year she went into the hospital I was pretty numb the entire month of September.  I thought I was doing pretty good until September hit last year and it started all over again.  And here we are in September again and I can feel it.  But it's not nearly as extreme as the last two years.  And I think an awful lot has to do with the upcoming wedding.  I find myself smiling and tearing up for no reason when I'm thinking about it.  Weddings are not supposed to bring me joy.  Weddings are a great big pain in the ass.  And maybe because the years of my life that are the "Wedding Years" I would be invited and attend these events knowing full well it was just a one way street.  I would never have a wedding because I like boys.  Boys can't marry boys.  But who ever thought in our lifetime that would change?  I never thought it would.  Even when it started to look real, the measure kept failing to pass and not getting enough votes to go into law.  So even when it looked like it might be a possibility, I was kind of relieved that it still probably wasn't going to happen.  But it passed and I was faced with my own wedding.  And I have to say, it was the single happiest day of my life.  I got the wedding that I wanted, no interference from anyone.  It was small, it was low key, it was easy.

But I'm getting off topic.  This upcoming wedding has sent me to the opposite extreme of the emotions I've been fighting off.  And it's leveled me and centered me.  I'm feeling less numb, less gloomy gus, less like I need to hide than I thought I was going to feel.  Sure, I have down moments, but they're usually followed by gleeful ones, too.  

I'm looking forward to this more than I can say.  And I'm looking forward to creating a tighter bond with two friends.  I'm actually not referring to the happy couple.  At least, not both of them.  But one of the grooms and another newlywed.  Both were invited to my shindig so we got to spend my wedding weekend together.  A couple months I got to hang out with both the upcoming groom and the newlyweds on their wedding weekend.  And now the three of us are going to spend a third wedding weekend together.  I think it's kind of fucked up and I smile every time I think about it.

And as much as I wish I was dead on the inside, I can't imagine living my life any less emotionally nutso than I currently do.


erik98122 said...

You will always be dead on the inside to me! But I do hope to see you having more good times then bad in the upcoming years! It's not always easy working on all that inner crap that keeps bringing us down. Here's to better times ahead!

Now get your ass to the gym fat ass!

Love ya Waltie!

(F)reddy said...

We can call it off if it'll help balance your feelings again.

Rebelyankee said...

So happy. And looking forward to seeing you. Those two are usually mutually exclusive.