I've not been myself lately. For much longer than I think, according to Ken. He says I just haven't been myself for many weeks now. I didn't think it was that long, but I do agree I just haven't been my usual self. A lot of stuff lately has reminded me of Mom and her last weeks. This week, especially. The Friday of Labor Day weekend is the day Mom went into the hospital. And she stayed there until she passed away a few short weeks later. I've been having a really hard time with this, which really surprises me. I've been carrying around a lot of sorrow, a lot of bad feelings and a lot of baggage in regards to this. I thought I came to terms with most of it months ago, but I've been realizing that's anything but the case.
It's kind of funny that I'm going through this. I've always had sympathy for people who have gone through something similar, but I always thought they were overreacting. Their loved one is gone, get over it and move on. Yeah, well, now that it's happening to me, I'm seeing things slightly differently. I can understand what they were going through, but at the same time, I keep yelling at myself to get over my bad self. Being depressed isn't going to do anything for anyone. It's not going to bring Mom back and it's not going to help anyone. But, easier said than done.
I don't think I ever let myself properly mourn her loss. I took it on myself to be the strong one for everyone. I didn't want anyone to see me cry. I wanted to let everyone else do that and in my head, the way to let them do that was to be strong for them. And I think I screwed myself over in the process. I've had a lot of raw emotion bubbling under the surface the last few weeks, but I've been fighting it. I would do whatever I could to escape things. Saturday marked the 21st consecutive day for me at the gym. By escaping to the gym for an hour or so at a time for such an extended stretch, I managed to injure myself. I'm now forced to slow down my pace for a while, which is killing me. Today (as well as a lot of days lately) I found myself emotionally eating rather than eating because I was hungry. I've done this my entire life and I don't see that changing ever. I also found that when I'm hurt or hurting, I tend to pull back from everyone. This includes Ken, my real life friends, my online buddies. The entire time Mom was sick, I dropped off the face of the earth. I'm fighting against that right now, but it's a losing battle.
I know this is just a temporary thing and it will pass soon. But I foresee the next month to be a really rocky time for me. I'm really looking forward for it to be October. I'll have made it through all my firsts. My first Thanksgiving and Christmas without Mom. Her first birthday. The anniversary of the hospital. The anniversary of her passing. Where's the fast forward button?