Tuesday

I'm beat.  It seems like I'm always beat.  I need to learn to go to bed early enough so that I'm not dragging my ass.

I can't believe it's only days until my next vacation.  I'm in desperate need of one.  I'm hoping I can recharge my batteries.  I've been pretty miserable lately and I don't know why.  I realize that most of what I'm feeling is my own doing.  I let people get under my skin and that gives them the power to make me feel bad about myself.  As if I need any help in that department.  Also, Ken and I have been having some pretty big disagreements.  We're never like this.  Ever.  And it's pretty big for us.  Again, I know a lot of it is on my end, but some of it isn't.  We haven't been seeing eye to eye on a bunch of stuff and rather than just go with the flow like I usually do, I've kind of been a bitch about things.  I hope this vacation is what I need to help push me back in the right direction mentally.  

And the holidays are upon us again.  And what are the holidays good for?  Bad feelings!!  This Thanksgiving started off on such a high note that was quickly brought crashing down.  Like I said earlier, I was giving people the power to make it so.  I think knowing is half the battle and now I need to work on recognizing that earlier and not letting it get me down.

I hope I'm not this beat tomorrow night.  Top Chef All-Stars starts and I'm uber-excited for it.  Count me a member of Team Carla.  I'm afraid she's gonna be out early.  I adore her and I'm rooting for she to go the whole way!

Tina Turner - Rubberband Man

Round Up

Thanksgiving is tomorrow and that means that even though it's normally a school night, it's not!  I get to stay up later and don't have an alarm to worry about in the morning.  Unless there's cat trouble, the sun should be up before I am for a change.  And since I'm not in bed, I have time to play here.  Not that anyone cares, but this is just going to be a quick round up of things I've been up to lately.

First and foremost, the (OCD induced) project I've been working on for the last year plus came to it's official end last night around 5 o'clock.  That project was to make sure everything* in my iTunes library has been listened to at least twice. (*Everything, that is, except the Christmas music.)  My library has 65,755 songs in it (62,290 if you exclude Christmas music).  All my play counts were reset to zero when I got this computer three years ago.  A little over a year ago I made a smart playlist and since that day, I've only been listening to things with less than 2 plays.  I've rediscovered a lot of stuff that I'd forgotten about.  Mostly of it was good stuff.  I've listened to a lot of things that haven't aged well, too, though to be honest, I don't know if Neneh Cherry's first album ever didn't sound dated, even when it was first released.  The only music I've kept on my iPod since I started this project were songs that fit that criteria.  It's an 80 gig iPod and it all didn't fit on there at first, but it was awesome when it did.  Last night I had to create new playlists to fill my machine back up.  I'll fine tune the lists when I get a couple minutes, but it's nice to have my iPod full again.

I've not been going to the gym much at all.  It's killing me to stay away from the treadmill, but the last time I got on, my feet paid the price.  No matter how good they're feeling, they need time to properly heal before I fuck them up permanently.  Last weekend I finally did a little research into what's going on with my feet.  I believe what I have is Metatarsalgia.  Basically, it's pain in and around the ball of your foot and it can extend down your entire foot.  Running and incline training on a treadmill are two major causes of it.  The symptoms I have all match.  The cause matches.  Rest and ice are two things that can help make my feet feel better.  An informal consultation with an orthopedist came up with the same conclusion.  What I need to do now is make a real appointment with him and discuss my options.  What I'm afraid is going to come out of the appointment is a pair of orthopedic inserts for my shoes.  If I haven't said this before, I FUCKING HATE THE SIDE EFFECTS OF GETTING OLD!  I also hate myself for pushing myself way too hard in the first place.  I'm not 24 anymore.  Staying away from the gym has been hard.  I can still go and do the bike (which kicks my ass harder than I thought possible) or the elliptical (which I've never tried before, so I'm going to wait for a really quiet time to try it), but I really have this great love/hate thing with the treadmill.  I dread it sometimes, but I always end up feeling pretty good after a good walk.  

I feel like my eating is bordering on out of control again.  The other night after work, I let Ken talk me into going to Five Guys for dinner.  I wasn't hungry at all and when he suggested going to grab something to eat, I initially shot him down.  Then he mentioned Five Guys and I was done.  We have banana bread in the house.  We had a bunch of bananas that were about to go bad, so I decided to make a loaf.  I've made chocolate peanut butter banana bread before, but never just regular banana bread.  It came out really, really good, but it's nothing I need in my house.  Plus, bananas do something odd with my digestive system and I don't like it.  Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and although I don't have a large menu, I'm sure I'm going to over do it.  I made my first homemade pumpkin pie tonight and I'm excited to try it.  Friday I need to refocus my eating habits again and get serious about it this time.  It seems like every Monday I refocus and by Wednesday I've shot myself in the foot.  I've come way too far and fought all too hard to start to lose my grip.  

I started my Christmas shopping the other night.  My sister was easy to shop for.  She's got an Amazon Wish List.  My parents, too, will be easy.  I know what they want, but I can't get their stuff online.  I'll have to venture out one night after work.  Ken's proving to be difficult, though.  We're to the point in our lives where if we want something, we go buy it.  There's nothing that he wants.  He did mention getting a digital picture frame and I may end up just doing that for him.  I told him all I want is an external hard drive for my computer.  Pretty easy.  The cats are getting something pretty special.  I want one of those six foot tall perch things.  I've always wanted to get one, but they're so damn expensive.  Petsmart has the one I want on sale Friday (for still way too much money) and I think I'm going to get it.  I'm 90% sure the cats will have nothing to do with it, but I really want it anyway.  Just try and stop me!

Different

I'd rather be different than be the same! Sing it Cass!

I'm Coming To The Best Part Of My Life

I've had a mild fascination with Cass Elliot for a long time. Longer than I can remember. This weekend I've been listening to a lot of her music again and I can't help but think that she's talking to me directly. A lot of her songs appeal to me more than most artists' songs do. I really do love everything about her. She never had the strongest or prettiest or most polished voice, but there's just something about it.

I was listening to this song earlier today and it really got to me. I feel like I'm coming up on what is going to be the best part of my life. I've fought long and hard to get where I am and I'm so happy to be here. Life is looking really good (knock on wood). But part of what really got to me was listening to Cass sing this and knowing she died shortly after recording it.

I wonder what kind of brassy broad she would be today if she didn't die so young.

Four Words

Here are four words I never, ever thought I would say, ever, in my life.  I miss the gym.  Okay, it's only been two days since I was last there, but I find myself a little disappointed in myself for not going last night or tonight.  I passed on going out of exhaustion.  The four day weekend was overbooked and I ran myself ragged even though I promised myself it was going to be a weekend of relaxation.  It's a good thing I'm staying home right now.  I feel a cold coming on, first of all, and my feet are still not quite back to normal, second of all.  They're starting to feel better, but I'm afraid I'll overdo it and put them right back to where they were.

Other than that, life is still busier than it should be.  This weekend Ken's old girlfriend from high school was out for the weekend.  They haven't seen each other in about 25 years.  It might have been slightly awkward at the beginning, but they seemed very, very comfortable with each other by the end of the weekend.

Work is work.  I've been in a foul mood the last couple of days, so all the usual suspects are pushing my buttons without knowing it.  And it's only because my mood is allowing that to happen.  I need to just chill the fuck out.  It's hard to do when I'm in a cranky pants mood and not feeling up to snuff.  Hopefully a really good night's sleep with help alleviate matters a bit.

I'm having trouble planning my Thanksgiving menu.  I have no clue what I'm going to make and it's bothering me.  Turkey and some sort of potato is all I have so far.  Probably sweet potatoes in some form.  But otherwise, I'm open to suggestions.  Anyone?

In With Anger, Out With Love

Something really odd happened to me.  I found that I was incredibly angry with myself.  I'd managed to really do a number on my feet at the gym and they've been killing me.  Normally, I get really frustrated and depressed when a roadblock pops up in my attempts to get and stay healthy.  This time, however, I got really, really angry instead.  Once I get an idea in my head about something, it's hard to dissuade me from doing whatever it is.  My newest idea was to go balls to the wall at the gym.  I've about conquered my irrational fear of it, now I wanted to knock myself out.  I'd started walking at a large incline on the treadmill, knowing it will really shape my legs and burn calories.  One thing I never counted on was it was really mess with my feet.  

I'm really pissed at myself for not easing myself into this more.  I'm pissed at myself for now having to pull back and slow down.  And this is a huge step forward for me.  Normally, like I said, I'd get really depressed and mope around like a 10 year old denied candy.  Getting pissed is forcing me to look at what I'm doing and how I'm doing it.  And I think that's good.

I'm still pushing myself a little harder than I should.  I really need to stay away from the gym until my feet are feeling better.  I've been going but taking it much easier.  They feel a little better, but not how they're supposed to.  It was really hard for me to stay home tonight.  I'm planning on staying home for a couple more days and see how that works out for me.

Another reason I'm pissed off at myself is that I waited until I turned 40 before I started taking care of my body and myself.  I'm trying to do things that I should have been doing 20 years ago, but my body isn't having it.  I was never really encouraged to take care of myself, eat healthy or work out.  It's a lesson I'm learning later in life and it gets incredibly frustrating that once I feel like I'm making progress, something happens.  I should be happier because I'm in the best shape of my life right now.  All my vitals couldn't be better.  I'm skinnier than I was in junior high.  But different (age appropriate) things keep popping up.  Sore feet.  Kidney stones.  Sciatic nerves.  Messed up shoulder.  ENOUGH ALREADY!!!!!

I'm just glad I'm aware and working on getting through this latest slow down.  I'm keeping up with the exercise program I'm doing on the Wii.  I'm looking at other discs, too, for a little variety, but haven't gotten any yet.

For someone so pissed off, I'm also really pleased with myself.  Is that even possible?

Guilt

I wasn't in the mood for the gym tonight and now I'm feeling guilty about it.  I have the energy, but not the drive.  Without any drive, though, I'm sure it would feel like an hour of pure torture.  I need to stop beating myself up.

I've mentioned before that I use an iPhone app called iMapMyRide to track my exercise.  The app is free and there's a website where you can access all your information.  Here's what my October calendar looks like.

At the website, if you hover over each of the icons on the various days, it gives you more information, like how long the walk was, how many calories you burned, etc.  I should be damn proud of myself.  I did over 100 miles in October and burned over 14,000 calories.  When I joined the gym, I set a goal for myself to try and hit 15 miles a week.  I not only hit it, I smashed it last month.  I'm going to stick with my 15 miles a week goal for November and see how that works out.  

To try and quell the guilt a little bit, I'm starting up my 30 Day Challenge again tonight.  I really don't want to do that tonight either, but it's good for me and I won't feel as bloated when I'm done.

Another Week Passes

It's been a busy week and an even busier weekend.  Ken's sister and her son have been here since Thursday evening.  His step-mother was here Friday and Saturday.  It's been exhausting.  The sister and nephew are heading out early tomorrow morning and my house will quiet down again for a few days before the next round of house guests.  Needless to say, I'm pretty fried right now.  I'm putting off doing my Wii workout.  Today is the last workout of my 30 Day Challenge.  I know tonight's workout will be the toughest of them all, too.  Another reason I'm dragging my heels.

Unrelated to all of this, I baked something fan-fucking-tastic this weekend.  My friend Sandy gave me the recipe for Avocado Poundcake.  Now I know what you're thinking.  That it sounds gross.  Well, my friend, you are wrong.  It turned out incredibly delicious.  At first I was nervous.  So nervous that I wasn't going to do my favorite thing when I bake.  That is to lick the bowl of the remnants of the batter.  But I did and the batter was so sweet and delicious that I was tempted to take a little bit more out of the loaf dishes, but luckily they were already in the oven and baking.  I ate a little more than my fair share of the cake this weekend.  I'm sure it will show on the scale tomorrow (as well as the extra helping I had of the white chicken lasagne I made tonight.)  I have all week to work it off, though.  No worries.

Okay, time to workout, then off to bed to watch the Amazing Race.  Gonna save The Walking Dead for tomorrow night.

Happy Halloween all!

Bad

Last week was pretty fucking bad, all the way around.  I'm glad it's over and I'm hoping for the best from the upcoming week, but I'm not going to get too excited.  You know how things tend to fall apart.

So what made last week so bad?  Well, it started slowly and built up over the course of the week.  Monday was actually pretty good, which surprises me because Mondays generally blow.  Tuesday, however, I got up and did my morning routine as usual only to come downstairs to feed the cats and find a surprise they left me.  A mouse. Well, that's not entirely accurate.  It was most of a mouse.  The bottom half of the mouse.  On the kitchen floor.  And the heart (and other guts) on the family room floor.  The head is still missing.  

Wednesday is when things really started sucking.  FrankenKlinger, the prescription drug abusing skank whore who sits near me decided it was my turn to take her bullshit.  She was already at work when I got there (a rarity), standing up in her cube watching for me to arrive.  I thought that was weird, but she's a retard and I dismissed it.  Apparently she was waiting for me to see my reaction to the perfume she sprayed in my cube.  She didn't get her reaction right away.  It took me an hour or so before my allergic reaction to it kicked in.  At this point I still didn't know what was going on.  I thought some douchebag decided to spray themselves and I was catching the overflow.  I thought that until a co-worker stopped at my cube.  She said I smelled pretty and I told her that someone sprayed them self.  She sniffed around and said that no one did that.  The smell is coming from my cube and isn't noticeable anyplace else.  I stewed about it for a little while before finally contacting HR.  I have no proof that it's her, but about every three months, knowing I have allergies to a lot of perfumes, she likes to do it anyway.  And she's good at her game.  She makes sure no one is around.  She knows how to play the game.  That left me pretty miserable, but talking to HR, knowing there really isn't much they can do, helped.  Thursday I had another reaction because the fragrance was still in my cube.  Friday again.  And Friday I went to my floor's director to talk to him about it, again knowing not much will be done, but he made a point of meeting with the managers in my area who are supposed to keep her under control.  Like I keep saying, there's no proof that she did it, but she absolutely did it.  It's been a while since I've been a victim of her bullying, so I guess it was just my turn.  I find it most ironic that she chose the Wear Purple For The Victims of Bullying day to do it.

Earlier in the week, Ken wanted to make plans to go out to dinner with our neighbors on Friday.  I hate going out on Friday nights, but I've been agreeable to all the plans he's been making over the last few months.  Not this time.  Friday nights are the one night of the week that all I want to do is finish up work, go home and unwind.  I'm usually exhausted from the work week.  I go in a couple hours early every day and it catches up with me.  So he changed the plans to Saturday night.

We meet the neighbors at the restaurant only to find they lost our reservation.  Joy.  Ken put up a stink and they got us a table.  Dinner was great.  Afterwards, we stopped at Target for a little shopping.  On the way out, I had a slight twinge in my back.  I didn't think anything of it, just that it was probably a sciatic twinge.  Within minutes, I was starting to hurt.  And then felt nauseous.  I was really feeling like crap.  I just wanted Ken to get home.  I made him stop talking.  Got home and headed for the bathroom, thinking maybe if I went, I'd feel much better.  Only I didn't.  It kept getting worse.  The pain in my back was increasing exponentially.  I felt like I had to go the bathroom, but I couldn't.  I started sweating.  My temperature dropped.  All the color went out of my face.  I was a mess.  Ken called 911 and got an ambulance to the house asap and I was taken out by stretcher.  They gave me something for the pain in the ambulance which did absolutely nothing.  Long story short, turns out I had a kidney stone.  And it was the single most painful thing I've ever experienced.  You hear people say that, and now I believe them.  I was in the ER until about 3 am Saturday night.  I didn't sleep more than 15 minutes at a stretch the rest of the night.  

The stone has now passed and it amazes me something that small can cause pain that big.  I took today off from work to rest up.  I have an appointment with the specialist next week to find out what I can do to decrease the chances of another one.  My kidney still feels a little tender, which I guess is to be expected.  But otherwise, I feel so much better.  I will never take for granted not being in pain ever again. 

Here's hoping to a better week.